Trials & Love & Dreams

On January 15th 2015 I had a panic attack from which I had a four day blackout and I woke up in jail. After being released I was hospitalized multiple times and later a doctor indicated I had a stroke. For many months I lost the cognitive abilities to use a computer, write with a pencil and function in society. I was required to resign my long-time position as a software User Experience Engineer for a leading technology provide in the Aerospace industry. By the grace of God I had the means to survive during this period by way of my career's provisions and insurances, as well as the care of a loving family. While this event took the abilities needed to perform the duties required of my profession, it miraculously gave me the ability to creatively rhyme. At first this gift gave me fear but I came to love the ability and in it I found comfort. I soon learned to use my newly acquired poetic inner voice as a tool to combine with cognitive behavioral therapy to strengthen my brain. This episode in January came at the end of a long struggle in my life battling mental weakness which I combated with drugs and alcohol. I used my addictions to fill a void in my life that I could not repair. That void and mental weakness is ultimately what got the better of me and caused my collapse. Throughout my life I've had tremendous love from family and friends, as well as an exceptional career. I was raised in the church and always had a belief in God. However, despite all these presumed essentials I was lost and hopeless. It was only my addictions that gave me peace by allowing me to escape the confusion of a seemingly perfect life in which I could not find joy. I do not see my episode as that of the medical variety. I see it as an intervention from God, and an awakening to a new life. I was challenged to build this new life with God at the center. I walked away from the the old life I built only to fit in, but in doing what society deemed "normal" I was disconnected from God and terminally ill. My soul knew, long before I did, that I was lost and with God I am being directed home. In my life's new journey I was led to the 12 Step programs for support to maintain abstinence from the substances I used to find peace. In these rooms I found men and women like myself that used addictions to escape their lives. In these rooms I found a spiritual home in which I am blessed to worship God seven days a week through action in servitude, rather than one day a week hearing others' interpretations of stories and analogy. In these rooms we are free to be real, and worship a God of our own understandings. A Higher Power as unique to each of us as we are to God's creation. In these rooms I found hope, and filled the void I could not fill with therapy, church, money, women, exercise, food, work, medications, drugs or alcohol. This book is my testament to God offering my gratitude and thanks for intervening in my life. I have created the rhymes, illustrations and designs in this book to playfully share some of my life's trials, my opinion of God's love, and my dreams. I do not take credit for my creative works. I believe what Eminem says, "the spirit of God lives in us", and our creativity is the channel through which God's love is distributed. In conjunction with this book and my quest to keep God in the center of my life, I have created Bunny's Basket, a non-profit organization, through which I draw upon my experiences to develop programs to help children that suffer from mental weakness. Proceeds from this book, future publications and my creative works will go towards developing this organization to help those in need.