The Secret Diary of Boris Johnson Aged 13¼

'Deliciously funny and highly impudent' - Jon Culshaw

FEATURES ILLUMINATING NEW MATERIAL about the original Partygate: a boozy shindig Boris threw while Eton was in the grip of a flu epidemic. Read on for deeper insight into Johnson's psychology, and the hubris and hedonism that would characterise his premiership. Unfortunately for Britain, the teenager isn't too different from the man...

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'My dearest, darling, dapper, dashing Diary,

What ho! 'Tis I, the man of the moment (and, indeed, of every moment), Boris Johnson. Today was a balmy summer one, and so your devoted diarist opted to recline upon the bank of the Thames, reflecting on glories of the previous twelvemonth. Naturally, my second year at Eton has been an unbroken string of victories and vindications. I outwitted my rivals, wrote every essay at the last moment, and snuck a metric tonne of Curly Wurlies from the tuck shop. And I only expect to achieve more in the coming year. To paraphrase that fine Olympic slogan: Citius, Altius, Fortius, Borius!'