Holy Bones, Limbo, and Jesus in My Cheetos

"Code Dahmer, register seven." One minute, the cashier compliments you on your necklace, and the next thing you know, store security drags you out the door. All because you proudly confided to her that your necklace contained a bone chip from a man tortured and murdered centuries ago. Well...Jeffry Dahmer DID tell police the same thing. Okay, this didn't happen, but it's exactly how Cradle Catholic Danielle Schaaf feels when she describes her religious upbringing. Even though there are a billion Catholics in the world, many of their tenets and traditions remain a mystery-even to themselves. Questions abound, and some, like, "Why is there dirt on your forehead?" are easy enough for Schaaf to explain. "They're ashes. No, not Uncle Sal's." When questions get tough and test Schaaf's theological mettle, like "Do nuns go commando under their habits?" she turns to the pros: nuns themselves. These days, nuns are harder to locate than gluten-free donuts. All anyone can say is, "Witness Protection Program." Not being able to find any sisters, Schaaf instead created her own, truncated version of Catholic Catechism. Why not? She's often mistaken for a nun and never misses a rerun of The Flying Nun. Snarky humor, warped nostalgia, and twisted musings grace the pages of Holy Bones, Limbo, and Jesus in My Cheetos. Blending lessons from nuns of yesteryear with pop culture, sports, and reality TV imagery, topics include: Crips or Crusaders: Can you spot a Catholic? "Vatican's Got Saints" reality TV competition The Holy Trinity and not-so-holy trinities Exorcisms, apparitions, Jesus in Cheetos, and other leaps of faith Kneeling, Genuflection Lunges, and Sweating to the Oldies Holy oils: olive, Johnson Baby's or Quaker State? Little Debbie Saint-Naming Rebellion Catholic Home D cor: bathtub shrines and saintly garden gnomes Holy Bones, Limbo, and Jesus in My Cheetos is entertaining and informative, theologically thin, and cheeky*. Catholic or not, readers will be left snorting holy water out of their noses. *definition: Irish slang for 'smartass' Danielle Schaaf is coauthor of Don't Chew Jesus and creator of Haute Flash Contessa humor columns and comedy shows. She's still Catholic.