The Bathroom Rule

Have you ever been in the toilet and so desperate to have something to read that you acquainted yourself with the ingredients of shampoo or tooth paste? The bathroom rule is a simple one, and will be understood immediately by everyone who likes to take with them something to read while they conduct their toilet: the best articles and stories are the ones one can finish in the time it takes to eliminate one's stool. Some of you are all business: a classic haiku is too long for you. Some of you will stay until you finish "war and peace." For most of us, though, a nice, relaxing movement of ten to twelve minutes seems about right. (I should admit, in the spirit of candour, that I occasionally disappear into the loo with the nytimes Sunday crossword, and can get rather caught up in the "war and peace" of things.) I may be a bit of a unicorn for the theatre community: I enjoy writing plays, but only as an exercise in dialogue; I enjoy acting immensely, but loathe sitting in the audience; I enjoy a good character arc, but eschew melodrama in my real life; I enjoy directing, but dislike giving orders. It's a conundrum. If you meet a theatre person, the very first thing they'll inevitably do is credential themselves with all their roles and stages, plays & playwrights, and, very occasionally, their awards. I won't presume to do that here-it's tedious. What I will due, however, is invite you to use what follows: ten short plays of no particular significance. All of these are under twelve minutes, meaning you can read one in the time it takes to use the loo. All of them have been read somewhere; some of them have been performed, and a few of them staged. Maybe you'll find something that suits you. Can't get off book? Try frank n. steinmonster in the commencement speaker. Wanna spoof your abrasive director? Try the audition. Try anything you like, and if you feel so inclined, let me know how it went: I love post mortems.