At Peace, Not in Pieces

I knew I always wanted to help people. As a kid, I would sacrifice myself to please others and feel good about myself. It was something about seeing the joy in someone's eyes when they felt that my actions were genuine. That is what inspired me. I didn't know that I would chase that feeling my entire childhood and adulthood. I recall a time when I needed school supplies for school and instead of asking my parents to purchase those items, I repaired the holes of my book bag, so my parents didn't have to spend money on another one. I remember feeling the sense of relief that I had granted them by not having to worry about what I needed. It was that feeling that I didn't understand nor could I articulate. Even today, I've been told that I have this "Savior" mentality and that I just want to save everyone. By no means will I or have I ever declared myself someone's "Savior" because I don't possess that power. Consequently, I do believe I can see the potential in everyone, and I only want to support, and assist them in achieving their goals in life.

Many relationships have developed in my life because I could always see someone's potential and their desire to be successful. From the moment the conversation starts, I would begin to decide if I could help them. My little TV antennas would burst out from my head and chime a ringtone, "I got you, I got you." At that moment, I'm sizing up the situation to see if I can help them excel and propel to the next level. I would never think of it as a potential romantic engagement. My objective would strictly be to evalaute a person's desires and needs and determining if I could tap into it and help them. I never reflected on the idea that I had always been sacrificing myself for others even to the detriment of my own emotional, psychological, and physical needs. I knew that I had the capability to survive without my needs being met, or at least that is what I thought. For so long my needs were placed on a shelf, collecting mounds of dust, spider webs, hidden behind other walks of my life and forgotten. I processed at a very young age that bringing joy to others would be my reward. That it would fill up my cup of loneliness, my longing for love, and the desire to allow myself to be loved. I had to decide what the best solution would be so I would no longer give so much without someone filling me up with joy, just as I had done for others for so many years.

At Peace is my journey to finding tranquility and serenity in my daily walk with disappointments, diagnosis with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), failures and successes. My life was so overwhelmed with internal misery and self-loathing until I realized I needed "Peace that surpassed" my understanding. I started on this journey to figure out how and why I got to this place and then developed a plan to get myself out quickly.